Lisa Schupp

 

When I was a child, I was still too little and obviously too innocent to think that there could be anything bad in the world. I was a kid. So why should I have had a bad world view? Why should I have been able to see the world’s bad parts? I still had my whole life in front of me. I was only a child who had the chance to enjoy its life. To have fun, to wander around the town with my friends, eating ice cream while sitting in the sun, getting home totally soaking wet because we did not see the thunderstorm coming. I loved being out with my friends. We played in the woods, we played hide and seek, or cops and robbers, and we built tree houses, high up in the biggest trees I could ever imagine. We had our own places, far away from our parents, where we could be on our own or being with friends to entirely forget the world around us. I really had a good childhood. My parents never forced me to do anything. They kept me independent and free as a child could be. Even in school I never had problems. I was always curious and ambitious and could easily follow in class. I never caused any problems. And if there would have been any, my parents loved their role and I could always count on their help. They always respected me and my actions and tried to support me where they possibly could.

One evening, still during my time in high school, I went out with my friends to the local bar just around the corner. I can remember that, for early spring, it was already a warm night and that I wore a light blue dress. I felt good, I was relaxed, being with my friends and having a chat. And then I saw him: Tall, brown hair, blue eyes, wearing a white shirt and blue jeans. He lighted up the room when he came in. I was really impressed. But I noticed that I was obviously not the only one staring at him. Not one of the girls in the bar could look away.  Therefore, I would have never dared to imagine that I would also attract his attention. After a while, my friends and I got up to dance.  We got lucky and found a free place in the left corner, where we could still see the bar. And then I thought my heart might stop beating. He got up from his chair and went straight in our direction, without even looking at all the other girls on his way. He came to a halt in front of me, blinked once, took my hand, gave me a slight kiss on the back of my hand and asked me for a dance. I could not say even a word. I was totally speechless. And breathless. I could only nod and follow him. Without knowing anything about him, I knew I would go with him wherever he would ask me to. It was love at first sight.

Till now, 20 years later, I love to remember this evening and our first moments together. Already during this night he opened his heart to me and told me that he, too, fell in love with me. From this day on we spent every day together. Half a year later we got married, 9 month later I gave birth to our first child, Elise. Just a year later we welcomed our son Patrick and when my beloved husband finished our new home, we lived happily together as a big family. I loved our home. It was so cozy. Even without stepping in any further just entering the main door made one feel at home at once. I would have never imagined living in another place.

But our lives changed abruptly. After my son’s graduation, we heard the bad news. War has started and everyone was asked to help our country. My husband left us first. It was a bad day. The whole family was so sad and desperate and I had to beg him to stay. But he could not. It was his duty to serve our country. I tried to distract myself by caring for my children, but I could not hide my grief. Not even a little bit. Then my entire world collapsed when my son told me he wanted to follow his father. Nothing helped to convince him that he should stay home. I thought that saying goodbye to him was the worst thing that could happen to me. But my heart finally broke when even Elise decided to leave. She wanted to help and work as a nurse in the army camps. I knew she was good at her job, but being at the front, in the middle of war? I could not bear this thought. I did not know what else to say so that just one member of my beloved family would stay at home with me. I tried to explain her what war was about and what she had to expect, but that was easier to say than to imagine. You cannot imagine war when you have not seen it before, war and its incredible brutality, with death waiting for you at every corner.

At first, everyone wrote long letters in regular intervals. They told me about their new lives, about their work, about their daily life. But I never got to read the traumatic situations they suffered from. They just did not tell what exactly happened. And I am not sure if I could have read it without dying of anxiety and worry. But then, one after the other, did not write anymore. There weren’t any letters waiting anymore in my mailbox. I did not know what happened. I called every single person I could think of to get any information, but nobody could help me out. I was desperate. My life began to spin, and I did not know what to think nor to do anymore. No messages. No calls. Then, one day, it knocked on my door. The little hope I had left in my body lead me to open it. I saw a man in uniform in front of me. His face seemed a mask. It was totally expressionless. I knew that something happened. He started to talk to me, but I could not listen to it. I didn’t want to hear it. I broke down, crying, screaming, punching the ground. The officer needed a lot of strength and empathy to calm me down.

After knowing that my whole family died in war when having a family get-together near their camps, I don’t know what to do with my life. My friends try to help and to comfort me, but even in their company I cannot think of anything else than of my family. How can something so beautiful and perfect end so totally brutal and unfair? Three people at once? A whole family extinguished… How can that be? Is there any sense of having war when losing our best men and women? When losing our beloved ones? I don’t see any sense there…